Mother's love.

A few nights ago I was up late and still needed to pump (part of my before bed ritual). I was feeling lazy about not wanting to pump, so instead I carefully pulled M2 out of her crib to breastfeed her so that I could take the pressure off. She was half asleep, and wrapped her little arms around my neck and laid her warm little head on my shoulder. As I quietly sat in the dark feeding her, I looked down at my sweet little sleep-feeding angel. The amount of love I felt for her at that moment was enough to make my heart explode. The amount of love I feel for her is indescribable, and much greater than any love I've ever felt.

I'll be perfectly honest, when she was first born I wasn't "instantly" in love with her. I loved her of course, but in the abstract. I had carried her inside of me for 9+ months and she was a part of me, but I didn't really know her yet. Some women say that it was love at first sight when they first saw/held their baby. My strongest feeling upon holding my baby girl was fear. I felt a sense of panic as I realized how little, fragile and vulnerable she was. She was perfect and I was afraid of screwing up. I knew how to take care of her in the womb, but now she was here and it was up to me to meet her needs and protect her. At that time I didn't feel the deep, unconditional love I feel for her now that I've gotten to know her as a person.

In the evenings when she is sleeping and I am still awake puttering around the house doing chores or watching TV, I often stop in her room to get a glance of her sleeping and to make sure she is OK. I probably look in on her about 10-15 times each evening. Sometimes I have to resist the urge to pull her out of her crib and hold her close to me, and to breath in that wonderful baby smell. Her little breaths and sighs, even her snores, warm my heart. In the mornings I love our quiet time in bed as a family. When M2 begins stirring around 7 or 8 AM, I get her from her crib and bring her to our bed where Mr.P is usually still dead asleep. I'll feed her, and then cuddle with her until it's time to get up and get ready for the day.