Love lost and found.

The past 6 weeks I have experienced such a wide range of emotions. Some great highs, and some great lows. In all of this I feel that my husband and I have found the good in a bad situation and are working on loving each other better than we were prior to the tumultuous summer we've had. We've experienced the fragility of life, and we are holding hands and moving forward.

But this summer I've also found myself grappling with the loss of another love - that of my mother. Although at times I wonder if I can really lose a love that may not have ever been there. The problem is, my mom doesn't really know how to love other people. She is an angry, bitter, selfish, and spiteful person and I think that makes it hard for her to really love other people. Hello Counseling 101 - you must love yourself before you can love other people.

My mom and I have had a tempestuous relationship, at best. We had some rough years in my teens and early twenties wrought with conflict. Not because I was rebelling, actually I was always the good child (the one who got good grades, didn't get into trouble, had good wholesome friends). My problem is that I was always too emotionally cognisant of what was going on around me and I struggled with a lot of anger and resentment towards my mother for the way she treated me growing up. She's a troubled person who has very poor connections with people. She often blames her issues on a difficult upbringing full of verbal and emotional abuse she suffered from her own mother. I am tired of allowing this to be her excuse. She is also a glass half empty kind of person, and she tends to be a Debbie Downer a lot of the time. She and my sister are two peas in a pod, and I've often been the outsider who doesn't fit the same mold they are cut from. But despite all of this, I've always tried very hard and gone above and beyond in order to forgive her for her misgivings.

This past weekend I needed my mom's help. Badly. I was going on weeks (well, years really, but a few especially bad weeks) of very poor sleep. Coupled with a critically ill husband, my best friend's wedding, and two very needy young children; I really really needed my mom to hug me and tell me it would all be OK and for her to step up and help me out. On the wedding day she had a sour face all day and was annoyed each time I asked her to watch the kids while I ran around doing my matron of honor duties. By the late afternoon when the wedding was starting, both kids were melting down. They were on day two of no naps, and the gravity of that had surfaced. P5 became a crying mess as the ceremony began and my mom was kind enough to walk off with him in the stroller to keep the sounds of his cries from disrupting other guests (it was an outdoor wedding in a park). M2 refused to walk down the aisle as the flower girl, and proceeded to run around the area in a over-tired delirious state.

During the vows M2 ran up and ripped at my dress while screaming as I stood next to my beautiful BFF, the bride. I had to carry her off and get her situated before I could walk back to my place in front. I was horribly embarrassed and mortified. After the ceremony, as we drove to the reception site, I told my mom I needed to stop by the hotel to get some items for the kids. At this point both kids were asleep in the backseat, so I asked her to please stay in the car with them while I ran up to the hotel room. My mom did her classic passive aggressive behavior, and I called her out on it. I asked what was the matter. She began to express how upset she was that she had missed the ceremony due to P5 crying and her being stuck taking him away. She then said one of the most hurtful things I've heard in a long time, "I came here to attend a wedding and reception, NOT to watch YOUR children." It was like a knife had stabbed into me. It wasn't just that these were my children, these were her grandchildren but that didn't seem to matter. During the most stressful time in my entire life, my mother was turning her back on me.

It wasn't like I was running around having a fun time all day, I was under extreme stress and trying to do my best to make sure my BFF had the best day of her life. When I came down from the hotel room and drove us to the reception site, I said to my mom, "You're right. They are my kids. They are my responsibility and you should have fun." At the reception my mom did not speak to me. She stood around drinking and talking, occasionally I caught her looking over at me. And I was struggling. BIG TIME. I felt like my heart was going to implode I was so hurt, and I was dealing with two very cranky children on my own. I was stressed out about my husband who was feeling terrible and not able to be there (he had just gotten out of the hospital the day before). It was embarrassing, and humbling for me to be accepting help from other random guests at the wedding. I've never felt so alone and let down before. On multiple occasions I had to step outside to cry so that I wasn't crying in front of my BFF or anyone else; that day was about her and I was not going to let my drama ruin anything. What kills me too is that my mom didn't really know anyone there. Sure she knew the bride (my lifelong BFF) and the bride's parents, but really she didn't know anyone else there. There was no reason for her to be mingling and not spending time with her grand babies.

Not only does my heart hurt for myself and the disappointment I feel about the whole situation, but my heart hurts for my babies who probably will never have a good relationship with her. Tonight when I was checking on M2 and P5, both sound asleep in their beds, I kissed their heads and said a silent prayer that may they never feel towards me the kind of sadness I feel towards my own mother right now. I can take some solace in the fact that my mother-in-law proved what an awesome and amazing grandma she is during her time here last week.

On my birthday, yesterday, at 6:45 PM I sat on the floor crying over the pain of my mom not acknowledging or calling me on my birthday. Mr.P hugged me and then he went off and txt'd my mom to let her know I was waiting for her to give me a birthday wish (I was mad that he had done this, I did not want him to do that). She called later in the evening and hastily wished me a happy birthday and told me she had been busy all day. Really? It hurts, but I'll move on. I have great friends who have showered me with love and kind words the past few days, and my BFF reminded me that I'm old enough to be able to pick my own family now. As I contemplate my future definition of family, I am still suffering from a broken heart that stings when I'm taking in a deep breath.