One foot out the door....

We have debated, analyzed and discussed the childcare issue to death in our household. There is so much I could write about it....so I'll just try to sum it up, though I'm sure this will still be very long.

When I was pregnant with M2, we nearly had a heart attack when we realize how expensive infant childcare is in the greater Seattle area (on average $1600-$2000 a month for M-F care). Next we discussed doing a nanny share, after a friend who worked in the nanny industry explained it to us. It seemed like a great opportunity for M2 to get more one-on-one attention, and a way to save money. We did the occasional browsing of nanny share postings on craigslist, and we determined that it would be better to set something up once M2 had arrived. Shortly following her birth and realizing that she was a high needs baby, we went into survival mode. I was in denial about the fact that I would eventually be going back to work. Whenever I thought about leaving her in someone else's care, I became sick to my stomach or wrought with anxiety, so it was easier to just not think about it.

In those early months she cried a lot. Like, hours and hours per day. There were times I had to leave the room to scream at the top of my lungs or slam a door to relieve some frustration I was feeling over this tiny wailing child (following my scream or door slam, I would retreat to M2's crib to scoop her back up and hold her against me and try to comfort her while she wailed). She was MY child and if I felt like I was on the verge of losing it at times, how could I trust some stranger to love and nurture her in my absence? 6 weeks into my maternity leave, the contract I worked on switched companies and the future of my position was up in the air. Mr.P was so supportive and said that it was up to me - I could opt to stay home or I could opt to go back to work. I had never seen myself as the stay-at-home-mom type. I had always thought I would definitely go back to work once I had my first child, and maybe later after I had more children I would choose to stay home. Part of me secretly hoped my new employer would give me an offer that was less than what I had with the previous company. That would have made my decision pretty easy. However, the new company turned out to be really great and the people were so unbelievably nice. They offered me more money.

Mr.P and I decided that it would be best for me to go back to work and at least give it a try. At that point M2 had been properly diagnosed with reflux and she was on a medication that was working so well that her crying fits had been reduced to less than an hour per day of crying. We decided that if me working full time was too stressful for any of the three of us, I could always quit later on, whereas if I continued to stay home I may have that feeling of "what if" I had gone back to work and would never know if it could have been the right place for me to be. Mr.P and I decided we would give it a try and I accepted the offer. The new company and I negotiated a start date in the middle of November, which gave Mr.P and I less than 3 weeks to find childcare. We didn't want to get ourselves into a nanny share situation only to quit a few months later if being a working mom wasn't the right path, so we decided it would be best to find a daycare center where it would be easier to quit. We started calling daycare centers and setting up tours. We asked about waiting lists and were shocked to learn that many daycares, especially ones in the city and with good reputations had year+ waiting lists.

Within a week we found a daycare center close to Mr.P's work that came highly rated and through luck they just happened to have an immediate opening. It was expensive, $1945 a month, but we felt comfortable with the staff and felt like we were getting a high level of care for our child. Several months later, I look back and feel a bit let down by our daycare. They have done several little things that ticked me off. Nothing dangerous or outrageous, but many little things added together make me feel like we're not getting the experience we were sold on during our orientation.

Little things like their inconsistency with M2's diaper changes/feeding/naps (not that she is on a super strict schedule, but she does have somewhat of a pattern and when they deviate greatly from her usual times for things like naps and feedings it throws off our family routine). There was a situation once where M2 was laid on a changing table that had been sprayed down with bleach, but never wiped up. The bleach solution ended up ruining her outfit that day. Many times I have arrived to pick her up to find that she is the last child from her classroom remaining, and that her teacher chose to go home early, leaving M2 in the care of the front desk staff person. Twice M2 was handed off to us with blatantly obvious diaper blowouts, but once she was handed to us she was no longer in their care for the day. The daycare also promised us frequent emails of photographs of our child playing and learning. 3 1/2 months later, I have yet to have a photograph emailed to me during the workday, but we did receive this Valentine's Day photo and frame last week in her bottle bag:

M2 has her cranky moments where she isn't that excited about getting her photo taken, but she never looks forlorn at home like she does in this photo. Seriously, was this really the "best" picture the daycare could take of her? She's there for 45 hours per week and they couldn't get one picture of her smiling? When we pick her up, both Mr.P and I have noticed she looks detached and somber. It takes a little warming up to get her happy and vocal again. Mr.P said that she started crying this week in the mornings when he was dropping her off. Now I know that most kids go through a separation anxiety phase, but I think that she really is miserable at daycare.

Over the past month we've researched various alternative options, but really the daycare aspect is only a piece of the pie. We could find a childcare situation that would be cheaper and or happier for M2, but that wouldn't solve our other issues. Both of us working full time, and making time to care for M2, keeping our house in order, has caused a lot of stress. We pay a cleaning lady to clean our house, but that only scratches the surface of our mess making capabilities, and we are eating out a lot more because we're too tired to plan and cook at home. Once the daycare and taxes are subtracted from my pay, it's not an amazing amount of money to be taking home.

In addition, my job has really changed since I have come back from maternity leave. We operate a completely different system which is much more automated and has removed several functions of my job. Due to this, the workload has massively shrunk. I feel like I show up to work to collect a paycheck. I'm not that excited about this job anymore, and I don't feel like I am making the difference here that I once was. With a lot of down time during the day, I have time to think about my baby and how she is not with me.

So after much debate and discussion, Mr.P and I have decided to call it quits. This morning he gave the daycare their required 30 days notice to quit, and by the end of next week I will have notified my employer that I am quitting. It's scary to think that we'll now be living off just one income (though it is doable, we just need to actually stick to a budget) but it is also a huge relief to finally have a new plan in place that will hopefully be better for our family. I am excited to get to spend more time with M2 and happy that I'll have the time to keep our family a little more organized at home. My venture into being a SAHM will come at a great time....just as spring is arriving!