I've been feeling sort of down about friendships lately. I feel disconnected from a few of my close friends for various reasons, and many of my other friends are just so busy and I don't feel like I know them well enough to reach out.
A couple weeks ago I invited a handful of girlfriends over to watch The Bachelor premier. I've always been a fan of the trashy reality show, as are several of my friends who I would end up dishing about the show. I thought - why not host a viewing party? I've been so tired/stressed/preoccupied lately, it seemed like a good distraction. I invited 4 ladies, and right away one responded that she couldn't make it, but the other three said yes. I bought champagne, fruit and chocolate covered pretzels to serve my guests. The evening of, one person called to tell me she was too tired and didn't feel like driving over. Then I got a text from another saying she couldn't come (no reason). A half hour after the show started, the third friend called to apologize and say she had forgotten. I know it was one night and a Monday which isn't the best day for a lot of people, but it just sort of exemplified my sentiments lately of feeling detached from people.
My mom group is reading a book called Mom Connection: Creating Vibrant Relationships in the Midst of Motherhood. It's a good book and I am enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. Yesterday at our meeting we discussed the chapter about friendships with other women. The group discussion ended up centering around gossip and how that is what women mostly end up doing (or complaining about their husbands). I'll admit, I am just as guilty as anyone when it comes to talking about people. It's not something I'm proud of, and it's definitely something I am going to try and be much more conscious about not doing. As I left the meeting I thought about the friendships I am feeling frustrated about and how I'm just as responsible as them for the current disconnect so I decided I should reach out and say or do something nice for each of those people. We will see where that goes.
An acquaintance of mine is a Mary.Kay consultant and she has been hounding me to host a party for awhile. I finally agreed to host one this Sunday, so I sent out an email to a handful of friends yesterday at lunchtime to invite them and asked them to respond ASAP if they'd be able to come so I could decide if there were enough people to make it worth it. I didn't get a single response from any of the 6 gals I sent it to, so this morning I re-sent the email assuming that my first email must not have gone through. I got two responses this morning both confirming that they did get my email yesterday they just hadn't gotten around to responding yet. Yeah...again, I felt like a big loser that no one responded the first time.
I hope there's room for two in this party, because I've been feeling the same way about some of my friendships. It's really frustrating. I go in cycles of trying to remind myself that it takes two and reinvesting in making an effort, and then getting more and more upset when I get what I feel like is very little returned effort. I don't have a big family and am not close with any extended family (not a great relationship with my dad, too many divorces, in the family, only a few cousins, etc.), so I put a huge emphasis on my friendships.
ReplyDeleteI'm having a particularly hard time with a close friend who became a mom a little over a year ago, and I try so hard to cut her slack and remind myself that I have no idea what it's like and my life is a lot different than hers, but it still hurts and I miss having a circle of close friends (I think this is probably an extra sore subject at the moment because we moved across the country less than a year ago, I work at home, and I know literally no one here).
Anyway, I didn't mean to turn that around and make it about me. What I really meant is that I totally commiserate. It sucks and it's a very lonely feeling. Especially considering what you're going through right now, you need that social outlet. I hope things turn around for you. You're not a loser, you're just under appreciated by your friends right now. Maybe it's time to try to meet some new people, too? (so much easier said than done, I know). A while ago I read MWF (married white female) Seeking BFF and while it was kind of hokey, it did give me a lot of ideas about how to meet new people, how important it is to try new things and meet new people, and how your new friends will never be like your old friends and that's ok. Worth a read if you can get past the hokey premise.
Caitlin, I'm so sorry! Yes - a big move and working from home, I can see how that would be really isolating. I'm not sure how SF is in terms of people (here in Seattle they call it the "freeze" where people are pretty closed off to getting to know one another) but I do have a few single friends who have tried Meet Up to get involved in activities with others that is not a dating scene and are people with common interests making a point to socialize.
ReplyDeleteI read MWF last spring! I thought it was an interesting read and definitely took some of her insights about being friendlier to people and making eye contact, but yeah - it's hard to find people you just "click with." I hope that things get better for you!