Left behind.

Mr. P and I are overachievers. We both finished our bachelor's degree in three years - that was one of the things that connected us on our first date, because, really - how many people get a 4 year degree in 3 years (start to finish) these days? Not to be a braggy braggerson, but not many.

I always imagined having three kids. Even in the early days of our relationship and marriage we talked about having 3 kids. Mr. P and I both come from families of 3 kids - we are both lucky enough to have the experience of each having a brother and sister. Having 3 kids felt like the natural, normal thing to do. But after having one kid I thought, wow, this is hard! After having a second kid less than 16 months later I said, this is really really hard. Both of our children were challenging infants with bad reflux - even still with them at ages 2 and 3 we are lucky to have two nights in a row where both kids sleep through the night. I know in my heart that we were likely done, it makes sense for so many reasons. 1) Our kids are close in age, that makes sense for having them be at about the same developmental level for various family activities/travel. 2) If we travel (which of course we love) it makes sense to each have 1 designated kid, and it's more affordable if there are just 4 of us. 3) Our "starter" home we bought nearly 6 years ago - we still live in. It was our "before kids, maybe one kid" house. We have lived in it for 2 years with 2 kids. Our basement storage area is a godsend. There is no room for a third child.

In the past week I have heard that two friends are pregnant. Normally that is welcomed with cheers of joy and congrats, which of course I have for these two friends. What sets them apart is that both of them have two children already; two children the exact ages of M2 and P5. Hearing their news gives me that small twinge of feeling "left behind" as they embark on the journey of "completing" their families by adding a third child. I feel happy for them, but sad for me at the same time. I have a slight feeling of being "left behind." It's laughable really because if I were pregnant right now with the level of stress we have on our plate with P5's new diagnosis of autism, it just would be hard. I'm already emotional enough - being pregnant would just make it all that much harder. (And after seeing my OB/GYN yesterday for my annual exam and confirming my IUD is properly in place - the odds of having another is very slim).

M2 has several friends who recently got a new brother or sister in their family. At least once a week she asks if she can have a sister (she realizes she already has a brother, and most of the time she is OK with her brother but she also thinks it would be cool to have a sister). I always reassure her with, "But you have a brother, a really cool brother who loves you so much!"

While my heart is happy for those friends expecting their third, it is also sad for me knowing that this is not the time or place for us to add to our family. We have done a ton of reading this past week on autism and we are both feeling optimistic but also cautiously optimistic. I think the problem is that we are in this period of limbo where we know our child falls on the spectrum, but his long term outcome cannot be determined for at least another 1 1/2 to 2 years. We are not the kind of people who can sit back and calmly wait things out - we want to know. We need more information. I think one of the things that weighs heavily on my heart is knowing that we are in for a long ride. A long ride of behavior issues, social issues, etc, and all of that makes me feel overwhelmed to think about.

Until we get the formal report in the mail that outlines his diagnosis (still waiting...) we cannot really move forward. Today we had a speech therapy session with P5's SLP that has been working with him since he was 10 months old. She is fantastic, but I was a little disappointed to hear from her that their agency feels that 2-3 hours of in home therapy a week are what they recommend as well as providing  guidelines for us to work with P5 on our own too. I know we will need to put in a lot of work ourselves and I am mentally prepared for that, but I also know that I am the kind of person who cannot do it all myself. I need help and I would like additional resources to help.

We have heard from our readings that up to 24 hours a week of therapy are appropriate - and granted P5 is not that bad off, I also know my own personal limitations and I would like a combination of in home and center based therapy. This is going to mean getting him therapy through the Children's Hospital Autism Clinic which I am actually really excited about because they are one of the best in the state for offering clinical therapy. But...until we get our diagnostic report, I cannot get us into the Children's system. Hopefully the report will come tomorrow....