Battling the crushing weight of worry.

I've been hesitant to even write about this...fear of jinxing myself starts to creep into my head. But then as a Christian I know that I shouldn't believe in the concept that saying something will then cause something bad to happen - that would go against the belief that God is in control. But I digress.

I am pregnant. A little more than 6 weeks.

This was not a planned pregnancy, in fact shortly before we found out we had somewhat decided that we were going to take permanent preventative measures once Mr.P's new insurance kicks in. God was probably laughing at us when we had that conversation. Although the pregnancy wasn't planned, this baby is definitely wanted. We are excited now that the shock has worn off and we've had time to readjust our vision of what our family will look like. I'm mostly excited but then also a little worried. I keep telling myself that for us it has to have been harder going from 1-2 than it will be to go from 2-3; after all our first two are just over 15 months apart and were both babies, both in diapers, both extremely needy. When number 3 arrives, M2 will have just turned 5 and P5 will be a few months shy of turning 4.

We haven't told M2 and P5 yet, in case something goes wrong, I think it would be really hard to explain what a miscarriage is to them, so we are going to wait and tell them once we are near the end of the first trimester and have had at least one ultrasound. I know that they are going to be so excited - they love babies!

With my first pregnancy I was a wreck. I was constantly worrying and I remember the days/weeks going by so slowly in those early, precarious weeks. I kept worrying until I had her, and well, then I kept worrying about all sorts of new things after she arrived. When I was pregnant with P5 I wasn't as worried. The pregnancy was so soon after M2 that I knew what was going on. I was familiar with all the changes in my body and I had an infant to take care of. I was distracted and very sick with morning sickness so the first trimester went by a lot quicker. This time I feel like I did with my first pregnancy - I can't stop worrying. I've forgotten all the subtle little things that the body does in these early weeks which has me constantly googling symptoms (don't do this, it only causes more worry). Time seems to be going by at a snails pace. We've known about the pregnancy for more than two weeks but it feels like we've know for months.

I've been really tired, and I've been single parenting since Mr.P is spending a month in California for training for his new job. I've been feeling a little bit nauseous this past week, it comes and goes. With P5 it hit me one morning around 6 weeks and I was so sick and plagued with horrible headaches until about 18 weeks. I keep trying to stay on top of the laundry and dishes for fear that I'll suddenly be struck with debilitating morning sickness. The other morning I woke up feeling crummy so I asked P5 to get me a can of ginger ale out of the fridge. I asked him to get me a "green can" and bring it to mommy. He ran off down to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of ketchup. I explained again that I needed a "green can" and eventually he got it and brought me a can of ginger ale. Already they are proving to be quite helpful, so I am thankful for that!

I've analyzed the situation a lot, and I think that with my first pregnancy I was so worried because the stakes were high - after going through infertility treatment to get pregnant with her I was terrified something would go wrong and we may not get another chance. With P5 he was a surprise baby but we were so happy to have gotten pregnant without assistance and we had always planned to have at least two children. I think that my fear this time around is that I feel like this may be our only shot at having a third child. Mr.P is excited for this baby, but if something were to go wrong I don't know if he would be on board to electively try again. So with that in mind, I feel like the stakes are high again. I know that worrying is a waste of time. I can't control what will happen, and worrying won't change the outcome of what is to be. I keep trying to refocus my worry and pray instead. Mostly praying for peace and calm for my anxious heart. Any of you that are the praying type, please add me to your prayers!

My first OB appointment isn't for another 3 weeks. It feels like a long ways away. We have told a few close friends, but otherwise we are doing the typical waiting to tell until the second trimester.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

*For those of you that know me in real life, please keep this on the DL for now! We will formally announce the news to our community around the beginning of April.