Holding it together.

One thing I try very hard not to do is cry in front of my children. Even as a baby, M2 would get really upset when I was crying. Today I had a little breakdown which involved me crying hysterically while folding laundry. M2 stood at my feet watching me, and trying to comfort me the way I comfort her when she is crying. It was actually very sweet of her and it made me smile a bit through my tears.

I did what I hate to do - I asked for help. It was kind of tricky because I put a note out on FB asking my local friends if anyone could spare a few hours today, but I wasn't able to put the reason. I'm sure if I wrote, "Mr.P is in the hospital, can someone please watch my kids while I go visit him?" Then people would've been like, "No problem, I'll be there in an hour!" At least I like to think that is how they would respond. Then again, it is a Friday and the weather here was beautiful out. Would I respond to a similar message by a friend?

But because Mr.P wants to keep his condition on the DL, I had to be vague in my request. Two hours after I put my plea for help on FB, there was no response. I felt terrible and desperate for some help and I felt foolish for asking and getting no response, so I broke down crying. During my crying spell a good friend, B, called. She, her husband, and daughter are out of town this weekend. She could tell right away that I was crying and asked what was wrong. I explained and she said she had a solution and would call me back in 5 minutes. She called back to let me know that her mom was on the way over to my house and was more than willing to spend the afternoon here. I've met her mom a few times at their house, but she isn't someone I know very well. I am so grateful and appreciative that she was able to do that for me.

It was good and bad to be at the hospital with Mr.P. He is not doing well, and I am very worried. He has a fever which indicates he may have an infection. He wasn't able to pee for 8 hours post cath removal, and they ended up having to re-cath him. His IV's had both stopped working and he was in a lot of pain. He still hadn't eaten or gotten out of bed to walk around. He was completely out of it and breathing really shallow. In the 3 hours I was there he could hardly talk and kept nodding off. I am glad I was there to talk with his doctor who stopped in to check on him.

I have a babysitter lined up for the morning, so thankfully I will be able to go visit him tomorrow for awhile. I wish I could be there for him more, but the kids need me too, and I am so exhausted. I've never felt so pulled in so many directions at once before.