Limbo.

I remember being at the end of the pregnancy with M2 and wanting her to arrive. Being annoyed that I was not showing any signs of labor, and being miserable and uncomfortable. I was anxious to meet her and wanted her to just come out already!

This time, pregnancy wise, I really can't complain too much about the third trimester. The other issues I've had (asthma and the broken rib) have made me much more uncomfortable and miserable these past 6 weeks than the pregnancy itself has. Only in the past couple days have I really felt the end of pregnancy pains - extreme pressure, swelling, exhaustion, the nonstop feeling of having to pee. But I'm willing to put up with those discomforts if P5 will just stay in and bake a little longer!

I suppose the second time around I now KNOW how much harder it is to care for the baby outside the womb. Also, with having a child already it really complicates our ability to drop everything and rush off to the hospital when labor kicks in. We have some good friends who have been our "people" who would watch M2 when the time came. Of course, they are leaving tomorrow to go out of town for 5 days. If I go into labor over the weekend we really have nowhere for M2 to go but with us to the hospital (which I really really don't want to do). The other night we brainstormed for 45 minutes about possible scenarios, and really there is no option. Sure we know people who might be willing to take her on for a day or two, but we hate to ask. Plus, pretty much everyone we know works. In addition, is it really fair to M2 to be dropped off at an unfamiliar house with people she doesn't know very well? I can imagine she would be a mess, and it would make for a miserable time for the people caring for her. It really sucks to have no close family living near us.

My mother arrives next Wednesday to stay for a week. Ideally if I go into labor in the first few days she is visiting it would be perfect because she will be able to stay at our house with M2 and the trauma of us being gone will be much lesser for M2, plus my mom will be around to help out for a few days after we're home from the hospital. Also, our labor support (my BFF) is working tonight through next Tuesday, then she has more than a week off. We want her to be there for the birth and to help out afterwards, and I would hate for her to have to call in sick to work if I go into labor sooner.

So being at the end of pregnancy I'm a ticking time bomb...labor could strike at any time. We can't really make plans without the fear of having to cancel them. Additionally I have been experiencing some serious anxiety about giving birth. After having such a traumatic birth with M2 and not being able to have pain medicine for her birth, I am terrified that something will go wrong and I will have to go through that again. I'm also terrified of not making it to the hospital in time, and even worse I am extremely terrified of having a c-section. I know these things are out of my control, and each time I feel the onset of a panic attack I try to calm myself down by not getting worked up over the what ifs, but it isn't always easy. I really just want to lay in bed, relax and not have to worry about anything, but having a 16 month old to care for makes that impossible. On top of all that, Mr.P is currently sick (he gets sick like, once a year, and of course it had to happen right now.)

So as much as I couldn't wait to go into labor the first time, this time around I would really like to make it another week! It's hard to be in this place of limbo...and having no control over what happens.